The End of Book 1

I return home tomorrow after 10 days with my family in NY.  We buried our dad Thursday of last week.  The wake was the night before and went a full hour longer than it was planned.   Hard to capture in words the loss I feel right now.  Call me naive, even having gone through this as a patient, but I never considered an adverse outcome and never death when my dad went into surgery.  I wish I knew that when I said goodbye as I was boarding the plane that it would be the last time I ever talked to my dad  with him fully healthy and in his right mind.  When I left the hospital three weeks ago I never ever thought I would never see him again.  I have been struggling that I may have pushed him into getting a transplant because I did when he wasn't ready.

I have come to view his passing, at least right now, as the "end" of Book 1.  I have been asked to write a book and consider doing a TED talk after my experience last summer and I balk at that, it seems attention seeking.  I always said in due time I will understand why and how.  My father passed away at 7: 54 EST on July 4th, 2015.  I came out of the OR and my parents met me in the CICU at Cedars Sinai, breathing on my own, at 7:54 EST on July 4th, 2014.  Literally 1 year to the minute from when I took my first breaths he took his last.  I am resolved, committed, that his passing will not be in vain, for naught.  For all that we have done and learned in the last 70 years in heart disease, and for all the literature that is out there now, we really haven't figured all that much out.  We know so much, but there is SO MUCH MORE to be learned.  I will take this on and find meaning in this so that others won't feel the same profound loss that we feel.

My Hero

My father passed away this morning at 7:54 EST from complications with his transplant.  It was exactly 30 days from his surgery.  His time of death was nearly the exact time he saw me after my transplant surgery 1 year ago today.

I am devastated as is my family.  Life is not fair and I feel like I have been kicked in the face with that fact.  I have been waiting to share this transplant experience with my father.

My dad used to tell me when his father died that the thing that he lost that he missed the most, other than his dad, was having someone to call and talk to, to share with, to get a different and honest perspective on something.  I want so badly to call him and ask him how to deal with this because I don't have any idea what to do.....................

He was 72 years,  164 days old, which is 20 years too young.

I miss you dad

1 Year on July 4th

It has been a little over six months since I last posted.  A lot has happened in that time.  I turned 42:-)  Also, I had my 1 year exam three days ago and I received a complete clean bill of health.  My cardiac function is outstanding and my doctors are very happy about my progress.  I have some tricuspid valve regurgitation which is more than the doctors want but I can live with it for decades before any treatment is required, provided it remains stable.  Also I had some protein in my urine that the doctors think is likely exercise related so that will be watched,   But I have to say that after 12 months things are better than I could have ever hoped.  All my exams have been great these past six months and we now move in to maintenance mode.

My dad received his call on May 28th at Newark Beth Israel.  He was at the hospital for a visit and the Dr. told him that they had just accepted a heart for my dad.  He went into the OR at 5 PM EST that day.  His new heart started beating on its own at 3 AM EST on May 29th.  It has been a long journey for my dad, but he makes positive steps every day.  I cannot wait for him to get home and get his life back.

This week has been filled with many emotions.  While I am excited about the milestone I am also filled with a heavy heart thinking of my donor and his family.  Where was he a year ago, where is his family now, are they ok?  I want to know who my donor was and what his goals in life were......who he was, what he wanted to be, what dreams did he have?  I want to honor the gift I have been given, the sacrifice that was made and make something good of this.

I received a call today from one of my great friends Dennis.  He received his call this morning, that he too would received the gift of life.  He is in surgery as I write this.  When he called me he knew that today was my day and he was excited to share with me that today was his day.

I saw an eagle today, it had been too long since I saw one flying.  It was beautiful, graceful, and amazing.