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Monday, July 13, 2015

The End of Book 1

I return home tomorrow after 10 days with my family in NY.  We buried our dad Thursday of last week.  The wake was the night before and went a full hour longer than it was planned.   Hard to capture in words the loss I feel right now.  Call me naive, even having gone through this as a patient, but I never considered an adverse outcome and never death when my dad went into surgery.  I wish I knew that when I said goodbye as I was boarding the plane that it would be the last time I ever talked to my dad  with him fully healthy and in his right mind.  When I left the hospital three weeks ago I never ever thought I would never see him again.  I have been struggling that I may have pushed him into getting a transplant because I did when he wasn't ready.

I have come to view his passing, at least right now, as the "end" of Book 1.  I have been asked to write a book and consider doing a TED talk after my experience last summer and I balk at that, it seems attention seeking.  I always said in due time I will understand why and how.  My father passed away at 7: 54 EST on July 4th, 2015.  I came out of the OR and my parents met me in the CICU at Cedars Sinai, breathing on my own, at 7:54 EST on July 4th, 2014.  Literally 1 year to the minute from when I took my first breaths he took his last.  I am resolved, committed, that his passing will not be in vain, for naught.  For all that we have done and learned in the last 70 years in heart disease, and for all the literature that is out there now, we really haven't figured all that much out.  We know so much, but there is SO MUCH MORE to be learned.  I will take this on and find meaning in this so that others won't feel the same profound loss that we feel.

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